The voice,of home?

The faceless Justice...
The impartial Law...
The necessity to be firm. To hurt. Even when the others are being hurt.
Why is it that we can never seem to be forgiving?
For pride?
For a strong front?
The minorities are suffering for the judistry of the majority.
We exist as if to make them strong.
For the self-exalting personality of mankind,we trample down upon the ones we deem unfit to survive.
For the cost of another's pain,we look stronger.
A conscience review is in order.

We as humans were given a higher order of thinking for reasons other than segregation,that much is understood. But the impracticality of the situation runs a constant deterrent from what should be done.
Emotions are caged,thoughts are held back. Reason is killed,the night resounds with the Justice of the majority.
The minority cry amongst themselves,frail thoughts supporting strong reason,lacking in strength not of resolve,but of support.
We,according to them,"tear at the social fabric".
Social fabric made up by them.

Wherefore true Justice where required?
There is no Justice,only supported Causes.
Once again,we retreat into the delusion of peace.
The storm is starting.
The clouds are gathering overhead.
This is not the end,and it never will be.
Perhaps this time,something useful will result.

The failure...

The laughter echoes,the footsteps fade.
Nothing less of a miracle,yet nothng less is to be expected.
What do I receive when I responded to that mere seduction?
A lifetime of regret?
A phase of confusion?
A period of struggle?

I don't question the value of the time spent together,nor do I think that it is too much for you to have brought me along the way we went.
But why the departure you ask?
Maybe because all along you were just being ridiculous and childish.
I see no need for me to constantly comply with your demands,left right and center.
Always complaining,always having not enough. And never once did you care enough to ask,"what about you?"
Seme,I have grown tired of waiting for you to turn around and pick me up.
This uke sitting by the side of the road is too tired to stand up and fend for himself in the cold,after you threw me aside like a doll,waiting for some careless wind to tear me asunder.

Forgive me Leriko-chan,I was only ever a puppet.
And as much as I know you will fall,I cannot comply.
Not anymore.

Running ahead

Brooding moods, stewing emotions.
The pain of loss,the pain of receiving.
Why the plans for departure when that was all you were thinking of to begin with?

The pains and losses.
I look at my past.
The guilt builds up as I remember.
I try to reason things out, but they don't seem to make sense, no matter how I arrange them. The plainitive pain doesn't direct as I look to the front.
Where am I headed?
The clarity of the scene does not avail to my sight,and all I attempt seems to wind up disjoint.
I cannot make sense of this repetitive failure.
What am I waiting for?
The cursed history is over, but te moulding of the future remains flexible.
Am I willing to try?
I don't know,I really don't.
I need someone to guide me.
Who is that someone?
I don't know.
I want to hold that hand and with that hand,run to the future which lies ahead all bright and awake.

Can I?

Meaningless

Slowly,the fire dies.
The element flows.
The emotions are stowed.
The cool caress of the watery reprieve.
As the moon looks on in amusement.

Sing to the night's eternal grace.
Dance to the soothing moonlight.
The hunter's bow keep watch, as crystal eyes look on at the barren landscape.
Pure,untainted,unblinded and serene.

The Maiden starts her song.
A rhythm picks up.
Nymphiads sing in the background.
The hunt is on.

As the last solstice brings new hope...
the last desire reduces into lost ashes.
Nothing to hope for,nothing to look for.
In the last instance,all was lost.

And yet,I begin the race.
Again.

This game was not my intention.

The eyes glaze over.
Searching for a place to go back to.
No,a place to go to.
A flash of hope,how long ago has that been?

Blood is dripping from the mouth,paralyzed in a smile which cannot be reversed.
A soundless laughter resonates.
Loudly,ever so loudly.
As the knife reaches up again,no attempt is made to move.

It used to be painful.
Cringe at the contact.
The dilation of the pupils,the sharp intake of breath.
The sheer ecstasy of raw,delicate pain.

I used to fear the loneliness.
And people came along.
Bit by bit,they hauled me out of the shell I was used to.
And then the game began.

One by one,the cuts were made.
Struggling ensued,not one was successful.
Bruises,cuts,slashes,burns,pain.
The injuries began to cover the one who could do nothing to escape all the torture.
In a sense,he didn't want to get away,did he?

After every cycle,the tears would fall.
Sparkling in the light which is never there.
Capturing attention which doesn't exist.
He askes no more.
And I answer no more.
For in the silence which speaks the loudest,the simplest words are the hardest to understand.
I (don't) love you.

Was this what I wanted?

What is life?
And what is pain?
Is it because of pain that we exist?
I don’t know. I want to trust in him, but all that I feel is a far distance stretching on and on.
Is he even interested in me?
He says he is. Is he truly?
Being nice to me, is that all I want? The scars... The pain that I keep stuck in my throat... I feel the tears welling up at the borders of my eyes. I want his embrace, his concern, his complaints even. I feel the justifications I make for him falling. I don’t know anymore. Am I just plain lying to myself because I fear the loneliness so much? All that I am looking for... It proves too much for him I guess.
I can hear the irritation seeping into his mind. I fear the consequences. At times, I prove too possessive, too paranoid. And it doesn’t help that he just stands so far, separated by that curtain that he put in place. Just how far do you intend to put me? I watch on as Soubi put that distance between himself and Ritsuka. Then he falters, or Ritsuka just cuts it down.
But you won’t let me in, no matter what I say, try to do or approach.
Why is it always me crying alone, no matter who it is that I try to be with? Even Raymond has come back to say that it was a huge coincidence the other day when he dropped by my school, and me the place where we broke up.
Please, let the pain bind us together. I don’t want to be a faint shadow that belongs nowhere, to no-one and no-one belonging to me. The tears that fall at night, would he ever know? I doubt he cares the least, so to speak.
He is busy, that I do not deny. But what of it? Is a call too hard to pick up? And when he does, it ends just as quickly. I want to stop thinking about what he might be doing, what he might be thinking, what he might like, if he finds me bothersome, if I am bothering his work and so on. But all those worries are for nothing as I realise that all I ever was might just be a non-existing character in his dictionary where all I stand for is a simple fool willing to believe in his lies and wait as a spare tire, just looking at him smoke.
Yet...
I cannot forget the first touch, the first holding of hands, the first embrace, the first song and the first conversation. I want so much to forget, to just continue my life as myself, but the loneliness... I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be pushed away as I was many times before... Let me in, I beg you, please.
You say that I shouldn’t wait for you, but it should be the other way round. Fitting of a seme, striking the uke right where it hurts. I’m crying even as I write this now. I want to start whacking myself to pieces over you, yet there you are, doing your own thing, being perfectly unaware of the struggle I am going through.
We were supposed to go watch “SALT” together. But now you say that your boss has asked you to go with him. Your boss...or your other? The first time I saw you at Iluma, your reaction was so indifferent, and you didn’t even care if I was hurt or anything. To you, it was merely your client’s son.
What is it to me?
I don’t know anymore.
I don’t want to know anymore.
Just go on with your life and games.
I cannot keep faltering in trust, something I sorely lack.
I cannot stop crying...
I don’t even know why I am so attached to you.
I should not be, because I barely knew you when we first held hands.
To tell the truth, I don’t really know nor understand you now.
I don’t even know or understand myself.
I wish you could have told me that you were plain not interested in me right from the beginning.
Now that I cannot detach myself, don’t say that to me.
Say you love me... for I feel like I might die at the thought of you rejecting me.
Life has become a meaningless field where I rock, sitting there letting the rain beat down upon me.
Even if it is pain, I want to feel something after you have parted the monotonous and bleak skies. Fresh pain, that is something I haven’t felt for so long. So let the requiem flow, like crimson blood slowly singing to the quiet song of dark relief.
Once more, I look up hoping for your recognition.
I’ve become a puppet it seems.

The pacings were not uncalled for...

Finally the smoke clears.
Melancholy shelves her sorry stories as Pain starts to play with himself.
No way am I stepping down on this.
I want to be there for him.
But time and again I prove to be a hindrance.
What do I hope to accomplish?
I don't know.
But this is the beginning of hope.
As he said that feelings are not entirely impossible.
I know I am putting too much pressure on him.
And hence,self-control, Misaki-chan.
Self-control.
What Seishiro-san has taught.
To kill off the nagging voice in the head, we must always make sure we know what it wants.
And stop it at that.
I know what it wants.
Now that the misconstrual has been cleared, we take things one step at a time>.<
One step at a time.
I like the sound of that.

Cause I need to start thinking about him and his life too.
Not from a possessive angle,but from a friend-and-develop-able angle.
Wish me luck Shinigami.